10. The I’m-creepily-watching-you-while-you-workout-guy… Yes guy, I’m working out, no guy, I’m not here picking up dudes.
9. The I-don’t-need-to-say-on-your-left-cyclist. Seriously, you are going to ride right beside me, not be bothered to announce yourself, and nearly run me over. Look guy, I didn’t come out to run, to try and die. You announce yourself or I’ll stick a tree branch in your wheel.
8. The lady-who-moves-to-the-left-when-you-are-the-cyclist-saying-on-your-left. Look dumbass, I’m not directing you to doom. I’m telling you where I will be in relation to your body. I’ll assume if you step in front of my bike, that you did indeed go out for a run, to try and die.
7. Lady-who-farts-in-spinning. If you are up-stream in the fan air from me, you hold your fart. I don’t want to inhale your fart. Don’t be a dick lady. Take your fart somewhere else.
6. Lady-who-farts-in-spinning-who-also-thinks-that-she-owns-the-class-spin-bike. Look. This is a gym. I pay to come spin, the same way you do. These bikes are all the same. I know you love being upstream from everyone to fart in their air, but you can’t claim a bike for the next five years to do so. If you want your own bike, take you farting ass home and buy a bike.
5. Family-who-doesn’t-watch-their-kid-on-the-bike. You know the one. That family, with the one super crazy kid, about three miles away from their family, riding right down the middle of the bike path, wildly… Rein your kid in or teach them bike path etiquette. I will happily run your little deamon spawn right over.
4. Little-group-of morning-walkers-who-can’t-say-hello-in-response. When I’m out running, and I say, hi, or good morning, you should say, hello back. This applies to you too morning-aquatic-center-worker, even more so, you are being paid to be nice, so be nice.
3. Guy-who-doesn’t-leash-his-dog. I don’t know you, I don’t trust you. So I certainly don’t know or trust your dog. I don’t care what breed, what size or how friendly you think your dog is, it makes me nervous. Put your dog on a leash, or leave it at home. I don’t want to guess if I’m safe or not.
2. Lady-who-doesn’t-swim-laps-but-takes-a-lane. Look lady, there is a half of a pool dedicated to doing water aerobics. If I have to share a lane with some creep-o, so you can do what half of the pool is dedicated to elsewhere, I will hide your crocs. That’s right, no crocs to go home in today.
1. Lady-who feeds-the-squirrels. Yes lady, you are officially my number one. When you feed the squirrels, they assume that every runner/cyclist is their local meals-on-wheels provider. I don’t want those nasty, germ infested, fur monsters running up to me with any expectation other than being crushed by either by bike wheel or my foot.